Just stop

“Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens.” --Carrie Bradshaw

I found this quote yesterday and it struck a chord with me. At this point in my life, I really need to heed Carrie's advice. Stop remembering the past or waiting for the future and just let it be. I don't know if I'll ever get a job or how much longer my puppy will be alive but I need to make a point to enjoy the now and let everything else just fall into place.

Of course, this would be a great excuse to be lackadaisical about almost everything but I'll do my best to not let that happen. Living at home, while it's been so great and kind of my parents, has provided me that constant motivation to find a job and get my own place. And I once thought I could live in limbo for a while and enjoy the time off. Ha!

What is it you need to let happen on its own?

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This is a tricky one...

I still cannot comprehend everything that's happened in the past week. But I have to remind myself that it happens for a reason and remember how blessed and lucky I am.

Kristen had her bridal shower yesterday and what a strange feeling that was! I knew my sister would marry before I did; she's older, it was expected. But Kristen is my first friend to tie the knot. She's my age! If that doesn't prove that you're growing up, I don't know what will. Now friends will get married and soon, babies will be in the picture. Madness, considering I still feel like a freshman in college sometimes. When did I become a 23 year old?

I think my favorite part of the Kristen wedding story is

that fact that I've known her since high school. She and Rose and were cymbal line together freshman year and bonded and by the end of those 4 years, we had formed our group. The picture is of us, the last night we were both in Cypress before the start of our freshman year of college. The best part, is that now, four more years later, and we are closer than ever. I'm so thankful for my friends. I figure if we can make it through college going to different places, we can make it through anything. I'm definitely going to quote Charlotte York on this one:

"Don't laugh at me, but maybe we could be each other's soul mates"

That quote has always rang true with me. I have found my soul mates in my friends. Regardless of what happens in my love life, I know I'll always have those that matter more in my life.

Many know I try to be the ever present optimist. Always finding that silver lining and seeing the bright side but I must say, as of late it's been hard to do. Things are getting a little tricky for me and while I recognize it could be worse, it's still harder than what it was. I'm ready to have a job lined up and work (never thought I'd say that). And while I thought this long distance relationship would be hard, I'm just now realizing how hard it's going to be. Miscommunications and simply forgetting can turn into something else entirely solely because we haven't seen each other. It will definitely be the test for us. I'm ready to have my own place and spend my free time basking in solitude.

When will everything come together? I'm not sure. I thought it was going to at the end of 2010 but now, a month into the new year I'm seeing it could be harder than I thought. This is a tricky one...

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Did that really just happen?

It's been a rough couple of days. Remember when I said Teddy was feeling better in my hands? Not so bloated? It was true, but his fluid tests came in and the vet told me I needed to get him to a specialist stat. Mom and I made the drive to A&M and upon arrival, they promptly took Teddy. That's when I knew it was bad, since they were waiting for us to get there.

Four odd hours later we find out his portal vein to his liver has never properly functioned, thus inhibiting the amount of blood that goes into his liver. In fact, very little blood gets filtered through it at all as he has created pathways that avert the blood around the liver straight to the heart. Because of this, his liver will stop functioning and shut down, thus killing my sweet angel.

The vet didn't know exactly how long he has. She said a few days to three weeks. Now it's just spoil spoil spoil until that dreaded day when I realize what's happened and have to take him to be put to sleep. I am having such a hard time and can't believe how quickly this all came about. I can't even truly comprehend it all. Was it just Sunday night that I was trying to kennel him at night because I didn't want him sleeping in the bed in five, ten, fifteen years? It was. And now, I don't even know if he'll be here in five days. It's mind blowing how much I've come to love the little guy, how much everyone has. He will be greatly missed.

There are definitely some hard times ahead. I just hope I can make it through unscathed.

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Turning around

I can't believe everything that's happened in the past 24 hours. Sitting at the vet's office, expecting to hear that my dog was constipated and would just need to take this medicine but instead finding out there was fluid in his abdomen that shouldn't appear in a puppy. Hearing the Doctor try to prepare me for the worst was the worst. I cried so much yesterday you would think I'd be all shriveled up by this point.

We got his blood test results and he has a very low protein level, so we're shoveling some high protein cat food into his system. They drained the fluid and got 400cc's (which is a lot, she showed me) and he already physically feels better in my hands. He's sleeping on my lap right now, causing all feeling in my left foot to be lost but I don't mind. As long as he's improving, I'm happy.

So those potential prompts I mentioned yesterday for the writing sample? I didn't use a single one of them. I wrote about Jersey Shore and didn't like it so I started a new one from scratch about reading. How important it is, what it can do for a child and a person's mental capabilities, etc. I'm not even going to re-read it after Rose gives her thoughts. I'm am done done dunzo with this application. I want to submit it and not think about it again.

Being home after this weekend, I'm finding it incredibly easy to sink back into my routine of past weeks. Wake up late, drink coffee and search for jobs in the morning, then do what I want to do in the afternoon. It's a great routine but I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Am I supposed to be job hunting 24/7?

It's quite nice outside. For the first time in a while it's not raining. Perhaps I will try to incorporate that into my day, all depending on the Tedster. To all the readers: be thankful for what you have and those in your life. Yesterday made me realize how quickly it could all be gone.

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Updates, questions and concerns

My MIA status as of late has a good reason: I visited the boyfriend in Norman. It was nice to get away for a weekend but was so weird being back there and knowing none of my friends, the people I associated Norman with weren't there. I'm glad I have a good reason to go back but it seems when I do it's just a reminder that the "best years" are behind me. Screw that.

I came home to find an even more bloated puppy than when I left on Thursday, just my luck. He was having troubles going to the bathroom and has yet to go today so when 2 o'clock rolls around, I'll be back at the vet for my seemingly weekly visit. My mother told me last night to "think the unthinkable" in hopes to prepare me for the worst. I understand where she was coming from; I had even contemplated that on the drive back to Houston but it was exponentially worse to hear it from her mouth and not my assume-the-worst mind. Hopefully it'll be a quick fix at the vet today.

An advertising agency in Dallas has a job opening that I am ecstatic and anxious to apply for but they are asking for a writing sample, a 2-4 page point of view on a topic of my choice. Normally I would delight at the opportunity to express myself through my words as I love doing (see: this blog) but this time, I'm having trouble. What topic do I broach for 4 pages without fear of offending my potential employer? How do I ensure my personality and voice leaps off the pages without being too informal?

I have narrowed down my topics to the following:

1) The youth of America's latest obsession with Jersey Shore.

2) The youth of America's obsession with Twilight.

3) The catch 22 of getting a job (can't get a job without experience but how then do I get said experience?).

Does anyone have advice or tips? I'm going to have to call Career Services at OU here in a minute to get their advice as I want to submit my application stat.

If you get a moment today, say a quick prayer (or whatever you do) for my dog. I'm hoping the unthinkable is a ways away...

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"I used to be fat"

It's a little ironic to me, that I turn on MTV's I Used to be Fat when I'm mid "diet" and wanting to cave. I'm watching what I eat and trying to keep it healthy and in small portions aka nothing like the intensity of this show. That being said, I was inspired to review this show because I know you are interested.

The episode tonight features Mckenzie, an 18 year old who weighs in at 273 pounds. She talks about being teased for her weight and in turn, turning to food. Understandable. Her father comes onto the screen to tell his daughter that he just wants her to be happy and find the man that does that for her. He then goes on to say that in order to her to find this man, she has to be thin and have curves, otherwise a man will never be interested.

Excuse me? Did I just hear that right? Did he really just say that?

Yes, yes he did. They just replayed it again.

I've seen two other episodes of this show and I must say, the recurring theme (besides the obvious) is the parents. They are often heavier and don't help their child in any way, shape or form. It's often the exact opposite. I honestly don't understand how these parents can funnel their insecurities and poor health choices without realizing it. If it weren't having such an obvious effect on their kids I would understand, but come on!

Seeing something like this tacks another something on my list of what not to do when I have kids. No cell phone before high school, no quitting of an activity without giving it a fair shot, and none of this negativity.

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I wonder...

Sometimes after reading the weekly postsecret update, I wonder what I would send in if I were ever brave enough to make one. Various ideas run through my mind but nothing too shocking or scandalous to warrant a coveted spot on that blog. But still, I can't shake the urge to make one, just for me, to put out into the world. They say writing it down alone gives a sense of freedom and release-I wonder if it's true? Maybe I'll do that sometime this week...

My guitar has been restrung...just not by me. My dad was looking for something to do yesterday so I willingly offered him the guitar and strings. The little stinker finished restringing that bad boy faster than I could have with eight hands and pliers. So while I didn't do it, the point is it got done. Although that does defeat the whole purpose of making to-dos.

Today is a cloudy day sans rain. Hopefully that allows a walk as I haven't been able to do that with the Tedster in a few days. And I need to tucker him out before bed so he wakes up later than 6:58 begging to play. Not cool pup, not cool.

I have sent in my resume to a recruiter my dad knows and my sister used to get her current job and honestly, I just want to call it for the day on the job hunt front. Shame on me. To-do today? Write at least a thousand words on my story or write a song. Or both, I won't be picky.

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Check!

I did it! Check one off the list of to-dos.

On top of that, I followed up on a job application I submitted a month ago. Here's hoping I hear back from her! Now that I've gotten my "creative" on (although picking pictures, cutting them out and putting them in a frame isn't necessarily that creative) I've been bitten by the bug and am thinking it's time to make another collage. Oh I love doing these!

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It's a dreary Saturday

The weather in Houston as of late has been...boring. Cold and rainy thus preventing any kind of outside activity aka running or walking Teddy. Was it really just 11 days ago that I was laying out in my bathing suit? That's Houston for ya.

I am now getting to the point of "Winter Break" where I should be packing things up and heading back to Norman. It is so weird for me to be staying here. To talk to the boyfriend and see his apartment room on Skype and know that I'm never going to go back there (for the long term anyways). Rose said it'll take some getting used

to; I hope that happens quickly because I don't like this! I am also getting to the point of my break that the parents, regardless of what they do, seem to push my buttons. I know it's ridiculous because they aren't doing anything specific but that's what living on your own for four years does to you. I need to find a job.

Hopefully the rain will pass soon and the sun will come out. I need to play outside with my dog. I need some vitamin D (that's in the sun, right?).

Until then, I have come up with a to-do for this weekend. See that bad boy? It needs to be restrung. Desperately. The last time I did it was fall of 2008 and I have been putting it off for ages only because it's an arduous process for me, getting those little plugs out and what not. But, I will do it. And come Monday, I will be writing and playing sweet, sweet music once again. I hope.

What's that you ask? How does my picture frame look? Well, I'll tell you. Today, it has a whopping...one picture in it. I can't help it. My computer isn't connected to the printer so when I want to print the pictures I have to send it to myself and open it on my dad's computer and print from there! Man, do I sound lazy or what?! I think I will do that now, unless Pop is on his computer.

In short, I will:

1) Finish filling out the picture frame

2) Begin the process of restringing my guitar (I'm already regretting that one)

3) Hopefully play outside for a bit

Over and out.

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They're back

I woke up around 5 this morning to a whimpering puppy. Me being the sucker I am for him and sleep, quickly picked him up and let him sleep in the bed with me. I knew he would start to whine in two and a half hours so I didn't mind him pushing me to the side of the bed or the occasional kick. Imagine my surprise when I rolled over on my own and saw the clock say 8:49.

Unfortunately, the happiness didn't last too long. We went downstairs, he did his business outside and ate his breakfast, but not all of it. After business trip number 2, I discover that his roundworms are back. Just my luck. It's 100% my fault for not deworming him two weeks after the first deworming but I know the process isn't his favorite. Now I feel like a terrible mother. As soon as I finish my coffee I'm going to run to the vet and get a round of dewormer and try to give it to him asap.

My to-do item yesterday was to fill out that picture frame. I should have shot for a less lofty goal as I didn't have much time with a doctor's appointment and a dinner date scheduled, but what can ya do. I did manage to pick out 5 of the 8 pictures but now the question is finding the best way to print them. Any advice? I did manage to walk Teddy, a good, long walk so that's something.

For today, it's get the medicine, finish the frame and spend a lot of quality time with Teddy. And possibly try to do some yoga or pilates. I suppose none of those are actual to-dos but they'll have to do for now.

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I'm sitting here, next to my second big cuppa coffee, green goop on my face in the form of a mask and still wearing my pajamas. I could get used to this. But...I can't.

I am a graduate of the University of Oklahoma, a check in the unemployed box and a mother...to a 4 month old puppy. I am a daughter, a friend, a girlfriend. A musician, a writer and a runner. But those only summarize some of who I am in a word. I hope I'm more than that.

I intend (and hope) this blog will serve as a reminder, a way to keep myself accountable. I plan to post a to-do item of the day, perhaps newfound workouts, yummy recipes...anything and everything in between.

So, to start my blog off my to-do of the day is to fill this awesome picture frame my sister

got my for graduation.

Lots of places for pictures and lots of pictures to choose from makes me think it's going to be a little bit longer and intensive of a project then I expect. But it needs to get done and I want to do it.

Also on the list of things that need to happen today is a nice, long walk with my sweet Teddy. He was good and let me sleep late this morning after mom let him play from 7:30-9:30ish. The only thing preventing a walk from happening is the weather. While it's a blue sky with few clouds, it's 41 and I'm not sure how I can survive walking in that. Oh the things I'll do for that pup.

And now it's time to get dressed and start picking out pictures.

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